I’m so confused.
There’s a big mess in my head.
I don’t know where to start and where to end.
There’s no problem in my life.
The only problems are made by me.
I’ve got no big threats against my life.
Then why is my brain fried?
Problems are problems, if you give them the space to be problems.
Because the only one recognizing those problems, is you.
It’s your brain telling you there’s a problem, but when is it really one?
My brain is fried with problems.
Or aren’t they such things?
Are they just thoughts, which pass my mind too many at the same time, so that I can’t see which one is which anymore?
I can’t differentiate between them.
I want things but do I have the right to?
I’m aware of my past and my failures.
I try to stop myself from doing weird things.
But should I?
Is it a problem if I make mistakes?
But the only one which makes it a problem is me, right?
Is this still the case, when I involve other people in my thoughts.
Cause they’re there, those other people.
I want things from those other people.
I want their attention.
I want their love.
I want to be left alone.
I want advise.
I want guidance.
I want acknowledgement.
I want to exist, and it seems that the only way to do so, is through the eyes of another person.
Why is it so important what the other thinks of me?
Isn’t the only one important in my life me, myself and I?
Isn’t the only one who can tell me that I’m all right, me?
Others can tell me lots of this, all opinions can be heard and said about me.
I can search for the opinion I want to hear.
But is it really the truth then?
What is the truth?
It depends on your viewpoint on the topic, me.
Have I been nice, have I been nasty, have I been good, or maybe bad?
The only opinion who should matter is my own.
I try to listen to my own opinion.
But it gets lost in all those thoughts in my head.
Thoughts which are occupied by other people.
My opinion is in their opinions.
When I find somebody with my opinion I see recognition.
I feel that it is right.
But when can one find somebody who has the same opinions.
Nobody has had the same past experiences and so not one opinion will be the same.
We’re all shaped by our past and our potential future.
As are our opinions.
So how can I long to find a person with the same opinion as me?
I can’t long for that person.
But I am not sure if I am.
I’m longing for attention.
For being seen.
And a hug.
The hole in my heart of emptiness.
I would like to fill it.
Is it true I’ll never be able to?
But what should I do with all those longings?
Should I let them go and chase them?
Or should I push them away and pretend they’re not there?
Is it good to present something isn’t there, when it is?
Is it bad to push something away, and try not to feel it?
Will I get back to the state of no emotion, when I push it away?
Or will I push so much away that I’ll have too much emotion, and will not be able to control myself?
I don’t know what to do with the longing.
Should I chase it?
Is it indeed something which is too much to ask of another person, the things I long for?
Will I chase other people away from me, when I chase my longing to have them close?
Will they turn their backs to me, when I want them to see me?
Will I loose the little bits I dare to ask, and get an even bigger emptiness in return?
Or is it just my bad judgement, my bad past experience with asking attention, on which those thoughts are based?
The thoughts of chasing my dear ones away, when I chase my longing for them to come closer to me?
How close should I want people to be?
How close do they want to be?
I can’t ask people to acknowledge me all the time.
Its an impossible wish.
I know I’m all right with people, and knowing the borders.
I know this because I never asked a thing, I just watched.
I just watched and observed.
Heard how other people talk of other people.
How reactions are towards the attention seeking trials of other people.
I didn’t want people to talk about me like that.
So I didn’t ask attention.
As least as possible.
I think so.
I tried to.
I didn’t ask love.
Even though I wanted it so bad.
I just watched and saw how complicated and intricate the social world is.
I studied it with all the attention I had.
I learned by watching and listening to the conversations other people had about other people.
I knew they talk about me the same way.
I couldn’t stand the thought of that.
So I excluded myself.
Because I want people to love me.
Not to talk bad.
It took years to learn every person on this planet has good and bad sides.
Every person has their own pitfalls.
And that’s okay.
Its not a problem when you’re not perfect.
When you make fights.
When somebody gets upset with you.
Its unnatural when nobody gets upset with you.
The ups and downs are what making a relationship a good relationship.
But I still can’t do it.
I can’t have a fight.
I can’t tell what’s my opinion.
Well, most of the time.
I can’t make people whom I want to hold close knowingly upset with me.
And, since I’m at all times thinking from the viewpoint of the other, I’m at all times aware of my own position and my influence it could have on the other, including the possible reaction of the other.
It is refreshing to try new things and realize your past experiences, on which I base all those emphatic viewpoints prove wrong.
At least that one time it prove wrong.
I can’t trust in the good in people.
In their honesty.
After my whole upbringing studying the events, and the after talks in the social interaction between people.
People never say what they mean.
At least its rare.
I can’t say what I mean either.
So I’m just as bad as all those other people.
I simply forget what my opinion is when somebody else has another opinion.
It doesn’t fit, it will create a wrinkle in our relationship, so my brain temporarily erases my opinions.
They’re non-excisting, until a while after the conversation.
Then I realize what I wanted to have said.
My brain then starts to work.
Why always after.
Just like right now.
When its too full to even think straight.
Which I’m unable anyway, so no problem there.
I just wish all what’s in my brain could be written down and with that be out of my brain.
So that I could have a clean sheet, which is peaceful.
I know what I need for that though.
I need peace and tranquility.
Relying on the good of others.
That’s when I get peace.
Because I have to relax.
It has no point to stress about your future, when it completely relies in the goodwill of others.
It’s when I realize how good other people are.
At least in that first meeting.
The first meeting is the best.
What comes after, brings trouble.
Trouble in my brain.
I’m so confused.