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Almost 6 months

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Already almost 6 months I’m taking testosterone. To be exact I’m on day 134 today. Yeah, I do keep track. Especially because else I’ll forget all together, and now I’ve got an answer when people ask how long I’m taking it now. Saves me lots of counting and thinking…

‘How are you doing’

I’m quite fine, I enjoy myself, working on this and that. Or maybe that wasn’t the answer you were looking for, with that question? Probably not. You’d like to know how the testosterone is doing, how my body is doing, what is changing, what is going wrong, what I do and don’t like, what I feel? And what everybody wants to know: if there are complications. My standard answer: ‘I’m fine, no I don’t have problems, haven’t got complications’. But well, everybody knows, that is not entirely true.

How I’m doing physically

Physically I notice I’m increasing my muscle powers. I haven’t been the weakest exactly, but that piece of wood does feel lighter, and that jar does open slightly easier, and to climb up and down the wagon does go easier (which could be a result of doing to so often…).

I notice I have growth of beard – I was planning on leaving it there for a while, till somebody screamed: ‘Oooooh you’re getting a beard!’. Same day I bought myself that shaving kit and 2 days later I shaved myself for the first time. Special? Nah, not very. A little maybe, but it feels like normal, like it always should have been like this. It’s not something I was waiting for, the beard, but it’s part of the deal. Not annoying, It’s a rather happy moment, because till then I thought not so many things were happening to my body. Saving is going rather good by the way, haven’t cut myself yet, do have some rash, but that’s cz I was shaving the wrong way around.

My voice doesn’t go as quickly, which is rather useful in the gym. Its just waiting there till I get kicked out of the ladies changing room, and my aim is to postpone that till the mastectomy. Though, my voice does begin to crackly lately, and if I’m relaxed its quite a bit lower than before. So if I can change in the ladies room for a few more months, will have to show.

My emotions did change too, though that’s not exactly physical. If I’m doing something (fe working on the wagon) my frustration reaches a high point faster, comes out quicker (fe breaking some slats…), and disappears quicker afterwards. I’m rather happy with that, though I’d like to learn to control the part where I break some slats.

Further there are some business where we don’t talk about: genitalia which change, menstruation which stops (till its suddenly there again), uterus which cramps. Just take my word for it: it happens, and especially that last thing can be called a complication, it isn’t always as comfy. Because my muscles get stronger and the uterus is drying out already, it protests once in a while rather heavily. Doesn’t feel nice, but hopefully it will get used to its new role of being an empty organ, and stops protesting in no time.

Ive been checked by the way by the doctor not so long ago (bloodtests) and it was all fine and good. Which is good to know.

But actually the physical doesn’t matter

The focus on the physical is actually very annoying. It is understandable everybody is busy with it, because it’s what I’m going through at the moment, why I take T. But then it also becomes a subject which is everybody’s, which is actually something weird. I make it everybody’s business by writing about it here, but at the same time I write about it here so I don’t have to explain it to any and everybody in daily life. Any random other person, and people wouldn’t ask those personal questions. I should say I haven’t had many super personal questions yet, but everybody wants to know how it’s doing. Thanks for the concern, and I’ll tell you a story when you ask, because that’s just who I am, but if you wanna know how this works: check online! So many literature about this, you could drown in it.

What does matter to me, is the social. I’m not she, or he, I’m them. While them singular is in English already a thing, in Dutch this is a bit more complicated. The Dutch version of this doesn’t exist, well, we’ve made something up but only recently. I’ve only got 2 friends in my direct surrounding at the moment who are actively practicing this. Most people don’t get it, don’t want it, or, I haven’t told them. Because, it is rather complicated, and I don’t feel like having a discussion about it all the time. Other people don’t have to explain how they want to be addressed, do they? Well, I don’t feel like conversing about it all the time neither. You could say it’s my responsibility to do so, because I ‘chose’ to go through this thing, but did you choose to be born in the right body? To be addressed from birth with the pronouns which are just fine by you? I don’t think so… This is no choice. The only choice I have made, is to choose for me, for my happiness.

What now

I’ll just happily continue to put on testosterone. When I’m on 6 months, I can apply for the mastectomy, which can be done from 9 months. That’s around March 2019. It happens in the hospital in Groningen, 1 of the … 1 places in the Netherlands where they do this. Because the Slotervaart Hospital in Amsterdam is shut down, the Gender Poli there is also closed.Wether or not this has influence on the waiting list in Groningen……. Lets hope not.

Which brings me a beautiful and rather solid deadline: I have to finish the wagon befóre the operation. Because, after is a period of revalidation and I won’t be able to build…

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