After a sudden attack of hailstorms, this week we are being surprised with heaps amount of sun: summer has started. On the weekend-mornings I sit on the balcony in the sun, all sprayed in with sun cream, eating breakfast and reading a book. I’ll switch to the couch inside now and then, to give my skin a bit of rest, and put some extra sun cream when going outside again. After lunch I’ll go outside and go for a walk in the forest behind the complex. Not over the broad paths, but I search out the small paths, although not unused here in Sweden, and avoid the buildings and people around the park. I stumble across some beautiful views, smell the scent of the flowers and listen to the birds singing about their first nest of the year. When I get home I work on the thesis for a while, and then make some dinner.
It is the good life, this, even though the thesis deadline is coming closer day by day. I can feel it in my muscles, tightening and unable to be fully relaxed. On my calendar at the wall I color every day which has passed, watching the deadline getting closer. Still I do try to relax, and dream about what I’m going to do when I get back.
Many things have to be arranged, practical things. I think about them but don’t let them stress me, it’s not the time to have any more stress get to me. Insurances, moving, work, money, taxes, retirement funding… Things I don’t want to think about, but I probably will have, soon. Cutting of the contracts here in Sweden, closing the bank account, saying goodbye. I’m not so good in goodbyes, usually I just leave. I pack my things and go. It’s life, to meet and to say goodbye, it doesn’t make sense to think too hard or to problematic about that. People come and go. I used to have a big problem with that, but life has taught me that’s just how it is, and how it always will be. Of course, sometimes I’ll be more sad than other times, and some times I wish I didn’t have to say goodbye. But always in the moment of leaving, I just pack up and go, without looking back, pinking away a tear when nobody is looking, and forever engraving people into my memory. I’ll never forget, at least not those who have made an impression on me, who were my friends, who made a difference in my life. You’ll never know when you see again, it might be tomorrow, it might last years, it might be never. Maybe we’ll stay in touch, maybe we’ll never speak again. It comes and goes as it does, there is no way of fighting that.
In between my thoughts and wishes, I’m thinking about my Vardo dream. Mom has send me pictures of a flat wagon for sale nearby their home, it looks good. It becomes real, in my dreams I’m already living there, even in my day dreams. I can already picture how it should be, and how it is going to be. The people which are going to visit me, the places I’m going to be, the problems which I’ll have to tackle. I’m longing for it, this is what I should be working on now, I know that. There isn’t something else what I should do right now, or well, after I finish the thesis and get back to the Netherlands. First things first, just to keep the logic in place.
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